*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
You Might Also Like
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA