vegan witches, happy halloween!
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I finally found a reason to live again.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share