[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
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A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20