Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
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On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems