-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
U talkin 2 me?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
😲 WTF? 😆