God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security