If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.