Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*