Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
They also CAN sing✌️
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.