I’ve had relationships like this
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Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend