Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room