Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
You Might Also Like
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.