“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Heroic Misunderstanding
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less