OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My typo game is string.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.