Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
figuring out my emotional availability:
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol