Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA