You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.