How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.