[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.