When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery