Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Never ghost your hitman.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.