I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views