The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.