15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
#Caturday
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.