My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”