I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…