Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.