I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you