“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Stop sending me this shit.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.