the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”