My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”