A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks