SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.