I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
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Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]