“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Pass gas, not judgment.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.