Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.