r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
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[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.