Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
just gave your address to some spiders
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
#JohnTravolta
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
In Canada they just call them geese