Money is the root of all wealth
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On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail