When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
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I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
From my Mom
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Finally
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.