Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.