Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards