The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?