“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”