Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Always…
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
crochet youtube is brutal
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.