Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
it must be school picture day
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.