Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok