The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog