I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
wish me luck lads
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look