Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.